The passage of time...

Six years. Six long years. I wondered last year, at the anniversary of 5 years of ME how I could sum it up, this year I’m left wondering even more. It's so much time to have spent ill (though not as long as many others have spent). 2190 days. 52560 hours. And way too many seconds.

How can one explain the way time passes by in this situation? 

Perception of time is so interesting. Time ticks by, it goes so slowly. The painful seconds, the days I wish to sleep just trying to get through an hour or minute at a time, where I wish for time to just pass when it drags. I feel like I’m stuck in it, an endless abyss. But it is an ever-flowing river of events. An invisible force dictating life. And whilst it goes so slow in some moments it also moves so quickly. Days blur together, time passes and suddenly I blink and another year has gone. Another year lost to this cruel illness. The seasons have passed outside of my closed curtains. 

Time is irreversible and moments cannot be undone once they pass. I know that this, M.E., will forever be in my story, and I can’t undo what’s been done or get these years back. Although I do hope I get to make the most of the rest of my life. And I feel ME will have helped me do that. It is my historical marker that’s shaped the narrative of my life. 

I often think about how it would be easier to know when this ends. In my head, the date doesn’t matter it’s just easier than being left to wonder how infinite this is. Although I’m not sure if it would be any easier in reality. Time is a linear path, it stretches indefinitely and that is terrifying. I’m left contemplating how long this may be my life. When will I will get better? 

Whilst I described the indefinite nature of time as terrifying it’s also freeing, knowing it’s not over yet. I value my future that I’m determined to make it to. To get to experience all the things I’m desperate for. I will make the absolute best of every second. And I try my best to do that now as well. I value the time I’ve got. The little moments. The fleeting joy of the quiet. The days after a bad PEM episode when I feel like I can breathe again after being underwater. When if even for only a temporary time I can look back and realise there has been some improvement and the hope it fills me with. When I think of how proud of myself I should be. 

So I will keep going. Keep spending my time getting by. I will keep looking forward and also experiencing the now. 

Time didn’t stop when I got ill, it’s something that continues. Time is infinite, it keeps moving and so will my life. I will keep evolving with time. And I hope I will improve with time.